Take Me To Wonderland
by thecatandthebat19
Summary: What if Alice was a girl named Ana? What if she had a thing for bad boys? What if she had a secret? What if the only way to find Wonderland was to survive life? Note that this story reflects on my life and experiences.
1. Chapter 1

For as long as she could remember, Anamarie had a thing for "bad boys". She didn't like to think of them that way, but there was no other name for them, really. Despite her _best intentions_, Ana was drawn to them, like a moth to a flame. She had no control over herself whenever she was near a boy she fancied, but she wouldn't have it any other way. _"That's what makes you so fiery," _Ana smiled as she recalled what one of the four boys she had dated in the last month had told her.

Just like most girls that were her age, Ana never stuck with a guy. It just wasn't her style. She wasn't ready to be tied down to just one boy, and, frankly, she didn't _want _to. She loved the excitement of switching from one boy to the next, the _power _it gave her. It was this power that she now craved, yet she hadn't met somebody that could soothe it. Sure, Boyfriend Number 5 had been very passionate, but she still wasn't convinced he was right for her; Ana hated nicknames, and being called "honey" and "darling" made her want to vomit. So, she let him go, as a fisherman would let go an unwanted fish. It was as easy as that, and Ana would never have to hear from him again.

Her best friend, Hanna Jordan, had recently expressed her disapproval of Ana's dating habits. Ana brushed them off, of course, but it was only now that she really considered what Hanna had said to her. _"People aren't dolls. You can't just put them back in the box when you're done with them." _Ana shrugged her shoulders and let out a small chuckle, sitting up on her bed.

It was the last Friday of November, and Ana had initially planned on spending it at the bar with her friends. But Sarah, Hanna, and Jack had all been busy, so here she was in her room. Her phone sat beside her, like it usually did around any 17 year old teenager, but Ana wasn't in the mood to text. All Ana wanted right now was a hug. Nobody would ever expect this from somebody like her; somebody who was on the honour roll, who joined as many sports teams as possible, and was what society classified as "popular". But it wasn't easy for her to live up to those terms.

Right after her birthday, Ana's parents had announced their plans on divorcing. She knew that it was going to happen - her mother had caught her father with another woman not but three days before - but it still took her by surprise. She wasn't exactly sure how to react; obviously she was angry at both her parents, but she was also incredibly sad. Her parents always seemed to be so in love with each other, and it greatly affected Ana to know that such a strong bond could be broken in 72 hours. It made her reflect on her dating experiences, which was something she avoided doing at all costs. It made her feel guilty.

And when Ana felt guilty, Ana felt _guilty._

"Happy little pill," she sang quietly to herself, an idea suddenly forming in her mind. She crawled off of her bed and onto the floor, shooting an arm underneath her bed. "Take me away, dry my eyes." Ana grinned when she felt her hand brush against a small box. Pulling it out and tearing the lid off of it quickly, she cracked her knuckles and sighed. She hadn't been in this box for three days, but Ana couldn't resist the urge anymore. Lying on a small sheet of fabric that she had shoved inside it were five small metal blades, each of them coated in dried blood.

She tilted her head from side to side, unsure of which one to use. Ana finally settled on the one covered in the least amount of blood and quickly shut the box, tucking it back under the bed. Her mom was out getting groceries so she had the entire house to herself for a while. "Bring colours to my skies." She skipped out of her room and to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her. She rolled up the sleeve of her grey sweater and stared at the several red scars that lined her arm. She felt pained, remembering what each slash at her skin meant. Grasping the blade tightly in her right hand and exposing her right forearm to her view, Ana dug the metal edge deeply into her skin. She breathed sharply, the pain being more intense than she remembered it being.

"My sweet little pill," Her voice quavered and she pulled the blade out of her skin, tears forming in her eyes at the sight of her own blood. "Take...my...hunger..." Another slash, this one cutting deeper than the previous. Tears were streaming down her face and she threw the blade across the room, sinking to her knees and sobbing into her hands. Blood was flowing from her arm and onto the white tiles, but Ana didn't care. She slowly got to her feet, staring at her reflection in the mirror and leaning against the door.

Ana frowned at her image. She had long dirty blonde hair that fell down to the middle of her back. Her eyebrows weren't as prominent as she wished they were, and she had wide green eyes. Ana shook her head, turning the sink on and letting the water run over her bloody arm. The red liquid ran down the drain, never to be seen again. Ana gave a small smile in satisfaction.

"ANA! OPEN UP!"

She jumped when a sudden shriek from downstairs was followed with a consistent amount of banging on the front door. "Showtime," she whispered softly to herself, tugging her sleeve down and turning the sink off. Ana practiced a few smiles in the mirror before settling on one that made crinkles appear underneath her eyes but looked genuine. She kicked the door open and headed down the stairs.

"But within, numb my skin."


	2. Chapter 2

"Hanna, what are you doing here? I thought you were going out of town or something today." Ana's voice trembled as she spoke, only now feeling the ache of the slash in her arm. Casually opening the door wider and leaning against it, she tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at Hanna.

Though it was still November, the streets of New York were lined with snow. The majority of Hanna's long black hair was tucked underneath her Boston Bruins hat and her purple jacket hood, but there was one stubborn strand that hung directly in between her eyebrows. Hanna wore her favourite pair of ripped grey jeans and boots that Ana didn't recognize. _Probably new_, She thought enviously; Hanna's mother worked in the Empire State building while her father was the CEO of some huge company. Even though she was very wealthy, Hanna dressed like everybody else did at their school. Ana could already guess that Hanna had on, underneath her jacket and sweater, her favourite red crop top that displayed her flat stomach and belly piercing perfectly.

Ana glanced down at her feet, taking note of how her stomach stuck out more than Hanna's did, and how wobbly her knees looked. She wanted to look _skinny_, not _scrawny_. Her feet were abnormally long as well; she already wore a size 10 in shoes. And not to mention her clothing size! _A large_, Ana thought sadly, trying not to show it on her face. She suddenly had the urge to cut her wrists again, but resisted, as Hanna was here now.

"I was wondering if ya wanted to go to the mall with me for a bit." Hanna said suddenly, snapping Ana out of the small daze she fell in. Ana tried her best to look excited, but she had no interest in shopping. It was probably the last thing she wanted to do right now. But still, she nodded her head as enthusiastically as possible; pleasing people was something she was very good at, though she could never please herself. "Great!" Hanna beamed, pushing past her and kicking her boots off onto the small grey matt that lay on the ground directly in front of the door.

Ana took a step backwards, stumbling to catch her balance. "Careful there," Hanna chuckled as she began to remove her winter gear. Ana sighed softly and shut the door, turning the lock. When she turned to face Hanna, she saw that her jacket, scarf, hat, and sweater piled up on the floor. Slightly irritated by how her friend suddenly barged in to her home, Ana asked, "Uh, I thought we were gonna go to the mall. Why are you taking all your stuff off?"

Hanna leaned against the kitchen table, pulling her phone out of her back pocket. "Well, yeah, we are. But _you're _not going looking like _that_!" Hanna snickered, her eyes scanning Ana up and down. Ana bit her bottom lip, greatly hurt by this, but she played it off by letting out a humourless giggle and muttering, "Yeah, you're totally right, Han." Tears formed in her eyes, but Ana pinched the side of her leg, telling herself that she was just being sensitive and that Hanna was only joking with her. "Um, what should I wear?"

Hanna tilted her head from side to side playfully, her black hair falling like a curtain. "Well, there's that black dress that shows off your curves..." Ana sucked in her breath; the dress was sleeveless, and Hanna would be able to see her arm if she wore it. "But it's kinda cold for that." Ana breathed in relief, walking over to Hanna and standing beside her. "So why don't we just go up to your closet and pick something out?" Hanna placed a hand on Ana's shoulder, causing her to jump in relief. "Whoa, calm down honey!" Hanna giggled, pulling Ana close to her. She was stiff like a board but relaxed when Hanna planted a kiss on her cheek.

Ana led Hanna up the staircase, turning left and right here and there. She really didn't want to go to the mall, but if she declined, Hanna would know that something was wrong and would immediately start asking questions, which was something Ana did not want to deal with right at the moment. "And here is my humble room," Ana giggled like the popular girl she was supposed to be and flipped her hair over her shoulder. _I should be an actress one day_, Ana thought proudly, letting Hanna step inside her bedroom. _That way, I'm fooling people _and _getting paid for it_.

As Hanna began rummaging loudly through her closet, Ana sat on the bed, hugging her knees to her chest. She really didn't want to go to the mall, not at all, actually, but people would make assumptions if she didn't. Her eyes began surveying her bedroom. The walls were yellow, as they were when Ana was three years old. On nights where she couldn't fall asleep, Ana would stare at a spot on the wall where the paint was chipping and cracked and the original white paint was visible. There was one spot in particular that she usually picked at, as it was the most noticeable.

"What about _this_?" Hanna squealed, startling Ana out of her thoughts. She glanced up at her friend, who looked very excited. In her hands was Ana's least favourite shirt. It was long sleeved - _Thank God_, she thought - and was a dark shade of blue, almost looking green. There was nothing wrong with it appearance - wise. Ana didn't like it because it was a gift from her aunt, who had been the one to encourage her mother to file a divorce.

Ana clenched her hands into fists and forced a grin. "Han, you always know what to wear." She let out a small giggle when Hanna squealed again, jumping up and down like a little girl. "Do I need to change my pants too?" Ana didn't want to have to wear skinny jeans and was hoping the answer was no.

"Uh, _duh_!" Hanna tossed Ana the shirt. "I have to pee. Be right back!" She scurried out of the room, leaving a teary-eyed Ana sitting on the bed clutching a shirt she didn't even like.

Then again, Ana didn't really like anything.


End file.
